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Thread: It Shouldn't have to be this way.

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    Default It Shouldn't have to be this way.

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    I wrote this over 2 days and it represents what was going through my mind at the time. I am no writer but I need to get this off my chest. Hopefully it's not too dark.

    Early in the morning of Feb 5th I got the call to watch my mother die.

    We surrounded her bed perched like vultures waiting for the inevitable. Death was never in doubt, there would be no miracles, no happy ending, no quality of life. All was pre-ordained. For the last eight years we had watched dementia take all that we knew was my mother. The woman that was my mother is long gone. Finally in the last stage she had forgotten how to swallow and and we knew the end was coming. The grim truth was we had to wait until she starved to death. It is morbid, obscene.

    They tell you that she is comfortable that the drugs ease her pain but then you listen to her gasping for breath, tears running down her cheeks, face contorted, head thrown back, mouth wide open and looking out of eyes that no longer see.

    There is my father, exasperated, begging her, imploring her to close her eyes and go to sleep, to end her suffering and his.

    Early last week my father had to have his dog put down. He knew that there was no hope for his dog, again no happy ending. Now he's waiting for his wife to die. His dog passed quickly, quietly and pain free. Unfortunately his wife of 60 years, my mother, will not get the same consideration.

    Then end came Feb. 6th, 2011 at 6:45 am.

    It shouldn't have to be this way.

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    Super Moderator Daniel Cadieux's Avatar
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    Roy, thank you for sharing this incredibly personal and emotional piece. I'm sure it helped cope a bit, theraputic if you will. Life sure doesn't seem fair sometimes, but if there is solace to be found its that your mother is now in a better place...and that she has left behind beautiful memories to remember her by.

    I'm sorry to here about you and your family's loss. A beautiful picture too, she looked like a loving person.

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    Roy,

    No, it shouldn't have to be this way. And there is no way to understand it or make it better.

    Whatever your personal or religious beliefs, know this. Your Mom is no longer in pain. That beautiful lady will live on in your day to day life. All that she gave you is still there. As time heals the wounds you feel now, you'll smile at the memories and treasure the time you had with her.

    Talk to your friends, your neighbors, your pastor, anyone who has time to hear you out. Tell them the wonderful memories you have and share your pain. You will heal. It will take time, but you will.

    Remember to give your dad all the love and understanding you can. It's the worst time in his life too.

    All the best,

    Maureen

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    Roman Kurywczak
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    Wow Roy!......Thanks for sharing this and your words are very powerful!!! Unfortunately.....I don't have the answers either although philosophically we can debate many things in times such as this. It may be hard at this moment, but concentrate on better times and better thoughts.........celebrate the life that was before all this happened.......not the long and painful road after. Take a bit of comfort in knowing that you were there for her, your father, and the family in that time.......and however much it sucked........you did the honorable thing by just bieng there for all of them.......even though it may not feel that way right now. Talking and words are some of the most powerful tools we have.......so are silence, support, and understanding.....all of which you gave even though you may not understand. If your efforts of sharing this helps just one person, which I am sure it will.....you can take some comfort in that also.
    Stay strong and thanks for sharing your painful journey.

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    Julie Kenward
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    Roy, I couldn't have said it better. I'm so sorry for your family's struggle but so glad you were able to verbalize those feelings here. Letting go of some of the grief and pain has to do with facing it and giving it a voice. I hope this allowed you a small measure of comfort in the future.

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    Thank you all for your words of comfort. It was a very hard time for me but I do realize she is free from all her pain. Thanks for giving me a forum to express my feelings.

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    As I've read the words of comfort and concern expressed by those in the other posts, I recognize that whatever I'd like to say has already been said. I don't know you personally, but I do know you have shared your heart and hurt with us, and in return, know that we care. May the days ahead as you adjust be ones of beautiful memories of her and the comfort of knowing you all loved one another.

    prayers for you;
    Hazel

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    Roy, Very powerful, this brought tears to my eyes and brought back a lot of memories. Thank you for sharing this.

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    Roy, you are very brave. Thank you for sharing your emotion and sadness with everyone. I am going through the same thing with my mother and fear and trepidation is what I feel right now.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Hazel Grant View Post
    As I've read the words of comfort and concern expressed by those in the other posts, I recognize that whatever I'd like to say has already been said. I don't know you personally, but I do know you have shared your heart and hurt with us, and in return, know that we care. May the days ahead as you adjust be ones of beautiful memories of her and the comfort of knowing you all loved one another.

    prayers for you;
    Hazel
    Hazel, thank you very much.

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    Quote Originally Posted by denise ippolito View Post
    Roy, Very powerful, this brought tears to my eyes and brought back a lot of memories. Thank you for sharing this.
    Denise, I'm sorry if it brought back hurtful memories. Thank you.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Hilary Hann View Post
    Roy, you are very brave. Thank you for sharing your emotion and sadness with everyone. I am going through the same thing with my mother and fear and trepidation is what I feel right now.
    Hillary, I hope your journey with your mother is as pain free as it can be.

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    Roy, may good memories begin to erode those of the last dark days and allow you to smile again. Thank you for sharing this with us.

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