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Cindy Crawford
09-26-2008, 09:52 PM
In the cool early dawn you are out in your boat on a pristine pond. The mist is rolling on a still and silent surface, the sun just beginning to dance in the rainbow colors of fall. You stop paddling, drifting, dreaming. A yodeling voice breaks the silence- a primeval sound. An elegant form appears, black and white with a piercing red eye. You are being observed, evaluated: your eyes meet. Yes, a Loon will look directly at you. Perhaps if you sit quietly, you will float together for a while. Time stands still, nothing else exists. As you slowly drift apart, there is a dive and a ripple. This moment lives in you now, a priceless gift; a deep sense of honor and gratitude, forever magical, mysterious.

Julie Kenward
09-27-2008, 07:18 PM
Oh, Cynthia, I like this VERY much! I do have a few suggestions...

From a grammar standpoint, I believe you can get away with using a semi-colon instead of a comma here:

"The mist is rolling on a still and silent surface; the sun just beginning to dance in the rainbow colors of fall."

Also, on the section where you wrote "a primeval sound," I, as the reader, want something more descriptive there. Tell me what the sound sounds like...or give me a better, more descriptive word than sound...maybe "utterance" or "resonance" something that fits better with the primevalness of what I'm trying to hear in my mind.

One last thing...the sentence "Yes, a loon will look directly at you." seems to odd to me at that point - I can't quite put my finger on it - but if you were to take it out or to combine it with the sentence before or after it I think it might read better.

Picky, picky, picky...but when it's this good that's all that's left to talk about. :) These are, of course, just suggestions...

And don't even get me going on that image. I am steaming mad that its not mine. :D

Fabs Forns
09-28-2008, 10:22 AM
Congratulations on getting your feet wet and writing a beautiful story.

English is not my forte, but what Jules says makes sense.

We'll write up a storm, girl :)

Lance Warley
09-28-2008, 02:57 PM
Beautiful words and image, Cindy. Sorry for the delayed response. I've been traveling.

One suggestion - try it in the first person. It's extremely personal, and it's so good, that I actually found myself thinking, "I wish it was me." That thought disconnected me from the story, because then I started thinking (a horrible thing to do) that unfortunately it wasn't me. It was you.

I just read it again. Beautiful.

Cindy Crawford
09-29-2008, 07:55 AM
Hi Julie
Thanks very much for your comments. Not sure about the semi-colon- kinda rusty on proper grammar, but to me the semi stops the flow too much. maybe I should just change it to :

The mist rolls ......and the sun begins to dance.....

I think I like that form better.
Agree, "sound" isn't a very enticing word. Hmmm. Pondering how to get that whole idea across- I want to evoke the ancient heritage of the Loon without using common descriptive words such as "haunting".

As for the "Yes, a Loon will look directly at you"- I'm not crazy about the way I said that, but I wanted it to be a bit abrupt, to make it clear what the whole bit is referring to.

Well, I'll put some more thought into it.

Thanks again. As to the photo- a lucky day, and some pretty tame birds that are very acclimated to gawking humans. Sometimes it almost seems like they are putting on a show for us. :D

Cindy


Oh, Cynthia, I like this VERY much! I do have a few suggestions...

From a grammar standpoint, I believe you can get away with using a semi-colon instead of a comma here:

"The mist is rolling on a still and silent surface; the sun just beginning to dance in the rainbow colors of fall."

Also, on the section where you wrote "a primeval sound," I, as the reader, want something more descriptive there. Tell me what the sound sounds like...or give me a better, more descriptive word than sound...maybe "utterance" or "resonance" something that fits better with the primevalness of what I'm trying to hear in my mind.

One last thing...the sentence "Yes, a loon will look directly at you." seems to odd to me at that point - I can't quite put my finger on it - but if you were to take it out or to combine it with the sentence before or after it I think it might read better.

Picky, picky, picky...but when it's this good that's all that's left to talk about. :) These are, of course, just suggestions...

And don't even get me going on that image. I am steaming mad that its not mine. :D

Cindy Crawford
09-29-2008, 08:15 AM
Hi Lance- thanks.

Hmmm- I wrote this in response to a challenge from a local birding organization to respond to the question "What Good is a Loon?". So I wanted to try to get the reader to imagine that they might have a similar experience with a Loon, or at least appreciate that it could be possible. Would changing it to "I" make a person feel less....um...unfortunate? I don't know. I had hoped to encourage a doubtful person to feel that they might be able to do this too, and I thought perhaps I was giving them some sublte pointers as to how it might happen. :) Of course I realize many people will never get close to a Loon....or get in a boat. In that case, I would hope that imagining the experience would be a sort of meditation.

It is very interesting to get feedback like yours as it really makes me think about how well I've suceeded in my intentions.

OTOH, I suspect that in these forums, anything one sees that is attractive in any way evokes a certain "I wish it was me" feeling" ;).

Cindy


Beautiful words and image, Cindy. Sorry for the delayed response. I've been traveling.

One suggestion - try it in the first person. It's extremely personal, and it's so good, that I actually found myself thinking, "I wish it was me." That thought disconnected me from the story, because then I started thinking (a horrible thing to do) that unfortunately it wasn't me. It was you.

I just read it again. Beautiful.