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Lance Warley
09-08-2008, 04:57 PM
Here's an attempt at trying to describe a non-ordinary experience... comments appreciated:

The weather was bad here last week. Friday afternoon, though, the skies finally cleared. I grabbed my camera and headed to the nearest wetlands, not expecting much activity because this is a very slow time of year for birds, but looking forward to enjoying the sun on my face.

Driving into the wetlands, I noticed a turtle walking on the blacktop into traffic. I returned it to its habitat thinking, "If nothing else happens, at least that was good."

Inside the wetlands, avian activity was minimal. A heron here, an egret there. No real photo ops. But it was beautiful, and very, very quiet, almost devoid of people. Then things changed. That subtle "shift" occurred, and it turned into a magic moment. I was fully alive. The air was glistening. The plants were shining. Everything was clearer, cleaner.

Time passed. The magic did not fade. My senses drank deeply. I almost started to leave, fully sated. As if from nowhere, an osprey appeared. It slowly circled the water. I hoped for it to plunge, but it didn't launch any hunting dives. It flew higher and higher into the distance, became barely a speck, and almost disappeared. Then another speck appeared, and the specks were moving in concert. Could it be a second osprey? Yes!

They flew together, hunting together, very high, very distant. The osprey pas de deux. Effortlessly, they changed direction, heading back towards me.

They slowly, slowly, slowly circled closer and lower. Eventually one of them flew right by me, giving me the opportunity to make a photo, and were gone.

Then my phone rang. The moment was over, but not in a bad way. Just time to come down from the peak to another level, but not too far down.

40D +400 5.6L @5.6 ss 1/2000 iso 500

Julie Kenward
09-09-2008, 07:24 PM
Okay, Lance, I had a response written out for you at work today and then my computer crashed before I could hit save so let's try this again!

I feel you have a good start here and you certainly are painting a picture. My one criticism is that half of this feels choppy and the other half feels poetic and flowing. I think you would do this piece justice by choosing one style of writing or the other and go with it.

For instance, you have written: "Time passed. The magic did not fade. My senses drank deeply. I almost started to leave, fully sated." That part reads like an entry into a nature journal...it's very diary like. Then, you continue and flip into something very flowly and it disturbs the cadence of the piece. For instance you have also written: "I grabbed my camera and headed to the nearest wetlands, not expecting much activity because this is a very slow time of year for birds, but looking forward to enjoying the sun on my face." Now, if you chopped that into little pieces like the first section then you'd have one continuous flow and the reader could easily get into the beat of what you're saying. OR...you can combine the shorter, choppier sections into longer, more flowing sentences and the reader could flow with that. Either way it would work...but together? It's hard to find the rhythm and just go dancing with your words.

You're so close! Just choose one style or the other and follow it from beginning to end and I think you'd really have a great piece.

Now...you still talking to me? :D:D:D

Lance Warley
09-10-2008, 06:10 AM
We're two birds of a feather, Julie, and definitely still talking.

You've zeroed in on exactly the challenge that I've given myself but haven't yet been able to attain. I can do poetic and I can do prosaic, but I've struggled with a way to do both while painting a picture of the transitions to-from nonordinary reality.

You just gave me a way. Use the same sentence cadence for both! Terrific input. Why do I think it's terrific input? Because I understand exactly what you mean.

I'm looking forward to giving it a try. Thanks very much, Julie.

Julie Kenward
09-10-2008, 07:53 AM
Be sure to post it or at least PM me so I can read it!

Cindy Crawford
09-26-2008, 10:09 PM
Hi Lance
I'm going to jump into deep waters here- I too see several themes that could be reduced into a concise, simple, perhaps more poetic form. Below is how I might edit this piece to achieve this effect. It is only my interpretation- not necessarily better- I hope you see it that way too:


Here's an attempt at trying to describe a non-ordinary experience... comments appreciated:


Inside the wetlands, avian activity was minimal. A heron here, an egret there. But it was beautiful, and very, very quiet, almost devoid of people. Then things changed. That subtle "shift" occurred, and it turned into a magic moment. I was fully alive. The air was glistening. The plants were shining. Everything was clearer, cleaner.

Time passed. The magic did not fade. My senses drank deeply. I almost started to leave, fully sated when, as if from nowhere, an osprey appeared. It slowly circled the water. It flew higher and higher into the distance, became barely a speck, and almost disappeared. Then another speck appeared, and the specks were moving in concert. Could it be a second osprey? Yes!

They flew together, hunting, very high, very distant. The osprey pas de deux. Effortlessly, they changed direction, heading back towards me.

They slowly, slowly circled closer and lower. Eventually one of them flew right by me, and was gone.
The moment was over, but the magic remained.

40D +400 5.6L @5.6 ss 1/2000 iso 500

Lance Warley
09-27-2008, 06:18 PM
Thanks, CIndy. I like your version much better than mine.